Our dog runs away so much, I'm just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don't move, it can't see me.

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

Me: My son totaled another car. Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons? M: yes P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE'RE GOING TO ARUBA!