The Walking Dead is Jesus's favorite show.

Remember that someone out there is thinking of you right now, figuring out how to make your death look like an accident.

Cop: Know why I stopped you? The dead guy in my trunk? Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift's over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she's coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco