My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, "Big pee pee!" I'm taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

Her: What brings you to speed dating? Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

I'm only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I've always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

When I was in 3rd grade my teacher smoking in the classroom told us not to tell well I'm telling you now