I would be so ashamed if I had a kid who didn't want to be famous.

Her: What brings you to speed dating? Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

I'm only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I've always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

When I was in 3rd grade my teacher smoking in the classroom told us not to tell well I'm telling you now