I'll never rob a store because I don't want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

"Daddy, I want to watch Dora." Sweetie this is Dora. It's the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

Ok America now is our chance to catch up on productivity, health care, math & science while the rest of the world is drunk & watching soccer

Officer: "didn't you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?" Me: "yes I did officer. But this isn't my car"