"Daddy, I want to watch Dora." Sweetie this is Dora. It's the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

Ok America now is our chance to catch up on productivity, health care, math & science while the rest of the world is drunk & watching soccer

My wife and I have been dieting together for a week so it'd probably be safer for me to come home smelling like perfume than a Snickers bar.

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming "KITT!" When he can't find his car.