With the recent success of mining for Chileans, I'm just hoping the U.S. doesn't try drilling for Farm Laborers.

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job? [flashback to me trying to sword fight all the customers at Toys R Us] Me: discrimination

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

My son just hugged me. Him: You smell good. Me: Like what? Him: *sniffs* You smell like love. Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.