DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE'S DINNER SHE'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy's capital.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography. Homophobia is God's way of teaching us the names of Republican governors.

Her: What brings you to speed dating? Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.