An old Jewish man dies. His last wish to his son is to print an obituary. The son goes to newspaper office and asks how much they charge for an obituary. They tell him $5 per word. He says then print "Solomon dead". The newspaper tell him they require minimum 5 words. He thinks for a moment and says, then make it "Solomon dead, wheelchair for sale".
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she's coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
"You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder." "Look, I'm a lot of things--" "Are you a murderer?" [bites lower lip] "Little bit."
"Uh-oh!" - My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Coworker: Pass your random drug test? Me: With flying colors! CW: Really? Me. So many colors! CW: You're high right now aren't you?
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