"David you're late again!" "Sorry boss.." [cut to: me running on all fours through a forest chasing deer] "...traffic"

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn't even in it. Incredible strength.

Mechanic said I blew a seal... Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?

In a car crash a dog would rescue you. However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.