Me: My son totaled another car. Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons? M: yes P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE'RE GOING TO ARUBA!

Boss: You're fired Me: No YOU'RE fired Boss: No Me: Yeah Boss: *starts sweating*

*boss at staff meeting* Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting? Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.

[first date] HIM: Can I call you sometime? HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can't... I lost my phone