😄 Wife: oh honey, I didn't marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling...

I'm off to the store got your wallet? yes you sure? YES *hour later wife turns on news and I'm being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

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My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today. He is survived by his wife Linda. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.

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wife: Can't we just buy a bigger catflap? me: [buttering the cat] We're not made of money, Karen

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Bank robber: EVERYONE BE CALM AND NO ONE GETS HURT Guy from back of room: IM DATING UR EX WIFE BR: [sobbing] ok only one person gets hurt

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