She has a coy pond. All the pretty fish swim away when you try to feed them.

Hi, I'm a high paid business consultant. I see you've named your business "Dale's Paint Supplies" but what if it was named "Best Dog Memes"

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.