*boss at staff meeting* Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting? Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.

Went to "The Social Network." I ran into people I didn't like in high school and they kept showing me pictures of their kids.

Coworker: Pass your random drug test? Me: With flying colors! CW: Really? Me. So many colors! CW: You're high right now aren't you?

As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be: "Let me see your phone"