it's weird how Americans say "soccer" instead of "football" and my dad says "I wish you were dead" rather than "i love you"

There's a cricket living outside my apartment. I'm all "Cricket, it's winter, shouldn't you die?" and he's all "Chirp!" and we laugh.

"Oh my god! That guy's dead! Oh wait, he's totally fine." (someone watching soccer for the first time)

A man and his boss are playing golf... one weekend when a funeral procession goes past. The man takes off his hat and stands silently with eyes downcast. He doesn't move until the procession is out of sight. The man's boss, an elderly gentleman, approves. ""You don't often see respect like that much among you young folk these days"" he says as they resume their game. ""Well, I thought it was only right."" Replies the man. ""After all, we'd been married for ten years.""