My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today. He is survived by his wife Linda. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers* *his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands* "WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!"

[son falls over & hurts himself] ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC WIFE: don't you mean TLC? ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

Married men aren't allowed to go the grocery store alone because we're the kid in the shopping cart, but with money