Wife: We need to go to the store. We're out of milk. Me: We can wait a few days. Wife: We're out of beer. Me: *dives in the car*

I feel a weird sense of pride when I'm so drunk that autocorrect just gives up.

Old enough to know better, but still too drunk to care.

As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be: "Let me see your phone"