I'm in an Uber going 100mph the wrong way on the freeway and the driver's girlfriend keeps calling and screaming at him on speakerphone

All I want from Uber is to be driven around until I fall asleep, carried over the driver's shoulder into my home, and tucked into bed

[interview] "How would you describe your people skills?" ME: I tend to drive others away. "That's great! Welcome to Uber."

Sober in an Uber: Please don't talk to me. I don't know you. Drunk in an Uber: I want to get married one day, but I put up emotional walls