Jimmy Savile was a terrible ventriloquist. He stuck his hand up my arse and told me not to say anything.

I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile. When I was 9, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.

What's the difference between Jimmy Savile and a greyhound. The Greyhound waits for the hair to appear first.

'Appearances can be deceiving' said my fortune cookie message; then I realized I've cracked open a snail.