My wife and I have been dieting together for a week so it'd probably be safer for me to come home smelling like perfume than a Snickers bar.

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming "KITT!" When he can't find his car.

I am at my most drunk when I go from chat room to chat room yelling WHO STOLE MY POPTART!!

[family game night] Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now? Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock