If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler's hand.

I wonder if serial killers watch Criminal Minds like chefs watch the Food Network: "Oh, bad move, I'd have done it this way..."

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how. Not right now, though. I'm waiting for my meth dealer to call.

Free will is good, but free pizza is better.