I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching my license plate before I ran down all the people I hate

Does "You'll find love when you're not looking for it" apply to money too? Because let me be clear I am NOT looking for $10 million dollars.

My telethon to raise money for starving children in Africa was a huge flop. I didn't know the TV added 10 pounds. Those kids looked fine. :(

I totally get your eyebrows. My bank account is overdrawn, too.