Wife: We need to go to the store. We're out of milk. Me: We can wait a few days. Wife: We're out of beer. Me: *dives in the car*

[car dealership] WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k ME: we'll double that

*wakes up to wife and son screaming* me: What are you guys yelling about? them: YOU'RE DRIVING

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest] "What did the priest have to say?" "He said you have to stop rapping over the choir."