told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she's coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

Coworker: Pass your random drug test? Me: With flying colors! CW: Really? Me. So many colors! CW: You're high right now aren't you?

As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be: "Let me see your phone"

I'll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.