Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I'll try harder.

To the woman with the screaming kids in Walmart: If you're wondering how the condoms got in your cart....You're welcome

Walking into WalMart with my kids, "Remember, kids - use your Target voices."

I'm fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn't know I was pregnant, fat.