"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!" - literally no one ever

My ex got drunk and left me at a bar so I called the police and reported a drunk driver.. #topahole

There's three cop cars in the parking lot of my gym. This might be my last Tweet for a little while.

Is that a cop behind me? No, just a car with a bike rack. Or maybe it's an undercover cop with a bike rack? -Weed