Guarantees in life: 1) death 2) taxes 3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

Just saved a bunch of money on my Glenn from The Walking Dead Halloween costume by not showering for a month.

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday