*boss at staff meeting* Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting? Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.

Looking for a nice, wholesome girl I can bring home to mom. She only dates nice, wholesome girls

Coworker: Pass your random drug test? Me: With flying colors! CW: Really? Me. So many colors! CW: You're high right now aren't you?

As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be: "Let me see your phone"