If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Officer: "didn't you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?" Me: "yes I did officer. But this isn't my car"

when I grow up I want to be the guy who wears a puffy suit and gets attacked by police dogs

Hey General Motors, what about an electronic drum set on the steering wheel? You're welcome.