Chief: You're the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge! Me: *realising I left both in my son's crib* Uhhhhh....

[police lineup] VICTIM: That's him! The dopey fat guy in the middle. COP: We haven't started yet. That's your own reflection in the glass.

My husband has been missing for a week, the police say to prepare for the worst... So I went to the thrift store & got all his clothes back!

I'll never rob a store because I don't want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.